The Sims 3: the Pimp Chronicles
Monte Vista is a sleepy, underpopulated town. At any given time, there are no crowds. The festival grounds never see people. The library only ever has that one guy in his burglar outfit, though I don’t know why because everyone knows burglars can’t read. The theater is just about the only place that drew a crowd, and even then it seems people visit only to return home in their jalopies the very next minute.
In other words, Monte Vista had a problem. And the only way to remedy this dire situation of underpopulation is by having a baby boom.
Utilizing advanced CAS technology coupled with free community mods (it can’t get better than free), I created the perfect simwhore. The whore’s life’s goal was simple: to plant his seed in every conceivable woman in town and rename Monte Vista to Hasta La Vista, Babies. The plan’s so scandalous that it just might work; Monte Vista will never know what hit it in the face (because it’s rated T for teens and dicks don’t exist in Monte Vista. Yet.)
To help my simwhore achieve his goal of world domination by offspring, I have cranked up everyone’s hormone levels so that they think anyone they meet is “hot” with a captial H, and that the slightest interaction will get them in the mood for a “woohoo” (thank you Nraas).
The following is a glimpse at the everyday routine of Leon Del Rosario-pimp, simwhore, getaway driver, and, above all, father.
*Disclaimer: Don’t read if you aren’t sure about what to do with your life, you’ll easily want to become a simwhore.
*Disclaimer Disclaimer: Your insurance does not cover the amount of brain damage you are about to get from reading this. : (
It was the day after a pool party. It was an all girls party, save for Leon and his roommate, who was there to remind people that Leon was not as sexist as people make him out to be.
Leon had been in the middle of whispering into a girl’s ear that he would like to perform a “Whoohoo” with her when he heard an odd popping sound; he had somehow mysteriously received the news that the woman he whoohoo’d last week had had a baby girl. He also discovered on the same note that it was none other than his baby, even though that woman was married and obviously being chucked by her husband at the same time Leon was chucking her! Talk about battle of the sex!
Now, Leon hadn’t even seen what’s-her-face in a while…(Wow, almost two whole weeks? He’s shocked their relationship hadn’t tarnished to the point of “friends”)…But boy was he happy to discover-by some divine means-that he was now a father (+80 mood!) Leon was well on the road to populating this barren world. Sim-tastic!
Now that Leon knew the good news, he made it a point to visit the mother and his new baby girl at their home. Hopefully before the infant suddenly became a child in the next few days.
So Leon proceeded to throw a baby shower for himself. He had a wild time at his pool party yesterday, so he decided to throw yet another one today. Well, all the guests arrived on time, but for some reason the guests kept coming upstairs into the bathroom to say hello to him. He was too nice to tell them he had just pooped and the bathroom had no working vents, but his guests insisted on meeting him in the bathroom. It took them all three whole hours just to move out of the bathroom and down the stairs.
By the time the baby shower was done well past midnight, the guests were reeking green fumes. Leon couldn’t visit his daughter and her mother anymore because it was “too late”. Which made him sad. Part of the problem was his small house. If only he had a bigger one! As it was, it took him three hours to move from the living room to the car outside. Though, that might be because his guests were vertically challenged and couldn’t make head nor tail of who should move through the door first.
When Leon went to bed that night, exhausted, he had the sudden urge to 1) whoohoo, 2) get married, and 3) buy a crib. All these thoughts formed while his guy friend lay within touching distance of him. If that wasn’t oddly prophetic and/or suggestive, then he wasn’t sure what wanting to buy a crib was. While he wished to buy a crib for baby Kayla (how did he know her name if he’s never even met her nor her mother!?), he knew life wasn’t that really that easy.
See, even if Leon were to buy a crib, he wouldn’t actually be able to use it for baby Kayla. That’s because she technically isn’t part of his household and therefore, not a part of his household. Yes, it had already occurred to Leon to buy a crib and gift it to the mother (whose name he thought was Katherine, but when he checked, was actually Francisca), but he hadn’t a clue how to place the crib in his inventory even though he could fit the next best thing to a Maserati and everything in between. Go figure!
When the next day arrived, Leon had a lot of time before work, which started at nine PM (the perks of being a criminal!) He decided to hop in his car, scouted out Delilah’s—er, Francisco’s house on the map, and dropped in.
Francisco was home with Kayla and her husband, who Leon didn’t particularly like because all he did was walk around the house looking unsure of himself. Leon ignored this man entirely, skipping friendly introductions, and went straight to Kayla. In this precise and persistently constant order, he snuggled, played with, fed her, and changed her diaper. Finally, Leon saw that Kayla was getting tired. Cringing with pity as there was no crib, Leon set her on the hard wooden floor. Leon would have to remember to donate to the Cribs for Cribless Infants fund later today. Oh wait…there is none!
Just then, Kayla’s mother walked by Leon, as trim as the day she was when he had first whoohoo’d her. Francisco didn’t seem to mind his presence at all. She also made no hints as to whether her husband had even realized Kayla was not his baby. Was she even miffed at Leon for having chucked her and given her an unexpected baby in the first place? Was she even going to ask Leon why he popped in out of the blue?!
While staring at her, a thought occurred to Leon: now that Fran had given birth, wasn’t she able to conceive yet again? Technically, she could have up to six children, more if the cheat codes were in working order. Dare he mention it was spring time?
As these thoughts formed, Kayla’s step-father walked into the living room. He didn’t even acknowledge Leon, although judging by the thought bubble hovering over his head he had in fact seen Leon. Passive-aggressive much! Something told Leon that the man didn’t get any “it’s a baby girl!” notifications. And if he did, he made no signs of it. Just to prove how little he cared, he stepped within centimeters of Kayla on the floor and walked right past her, ignoring the fact she was crying, and leaving to play video games in the study. Poor Kayla was too innocent to take offense!
For the first time since he arrived, Francisca approached Leon. Leon was about to pick a fight with Fran’s husband, but if she could alleviate tensions then by all means. She decided a good ice breaker would be to tell him a joke.
She said in Simlish, “Espetuni? OO rada wai?” (How about that color pink, eh?)
“Ini dwahblah.” (??)
“Er…” (Leon begins to sweat, backing away slowly.) “Ooooh…” (Oooh…?)
“Ruti tooti!” (A frying pan on fire!)
With that, Leon decided it was getting late. Ditching Fran mid-sentence, he made a not-so-discreet step to the side and walked right out the front door. Francisca talked a while longer to herself, perhaps not registering that Leon had very abruptly left.
Outside on the front porch, Leon sighed. You know what they say: if you’re going to whoohoo crazy, make sure they’re married to someone else first!
Poor Kayla. No crib to sleep. A negligent step-father. A loose woman for a mother. He’ll have to visit Kayla again later.
Leon drove home in such a rush that he fled right through several cars. Literally, like a ghost. He also made no stops at any crosswalks or stop signs, not that it mattered. Monte Vista had yet to see the baby boom of the century; the chances of him encountering someone on the road was next to nil.
When Leon arrived back home, he realized the carpool for work was coming to pick him up in one hour. He gritted his teeth. Curse those carpools; he’d told the gang hundreds of times that he had his own car. If he was going to be a getaway driver, he was going to do it in the safety of his own vehicle! Those goons act as if there were some sort of tracking system in place for cars. Everyone knows that you only get caught if you “do a side job”, but the SPD (not to be confused with Power Rangers S.P.D.) couldn’t possibly arrest you for “business as usual” or “working hard”.
Entering the living room, Leon saw his roommate brooding. Leon still had the same desires from this morning to buy a crib, get married, and to whoohoo. If it were winter, Leon would have gotten the chills, but it wasn’t winter, so Leon just had to settle with the fact that his roommate’s love of interior design confirmed that he was indeed a homo and that Leon had odd romantic ambitions relating in one way or another to his homo roommate.
Perhaps he was being too harsh. After all, could Leon have predicted his own preferences? There was no button that could be clicked to determine one’s sexual tastes…Was there?
…Could it be that there was the possibility that he, too, was a lover of penises? Several sims including males, females, and aliens had asked for his sign. Each time, Leon had obliged.
The honking of a horn broke his train of thought. Leon dropped whatever he was doing, recognizing the sound at once.
Well, if carpools were useful for one thing, it was to serve as a secondary notification…Leon waved bye to his roommate and walked back outside. Ignoring the carpool, he stepped into his own car, teleported onto the road (reversing was for aliens), and drove down to Good Guys, Inc. where he would “practice illicit activities” for the rest of the night. Hopefully this would get him that promotion!
Meanwhile, back at home, the carpool continued to harass Leon’s driveway, not realizing he was already at work.